this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
