um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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