I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
