Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
