her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
