Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
