I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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