My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
