Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
