the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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