Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
