On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
