My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
