hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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