i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
