What a fucking waste of an outfit
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
