If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
