I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
