By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dear god my vagina.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
