You work out of a Hotel?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
