i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
