i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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