Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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