yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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