thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what day is it and did you see me today?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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