Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
