You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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