Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
