you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
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I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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