Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
