Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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