ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
