nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
