Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
