The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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