4 words: hood of his car
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
