I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
