He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
