dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
