My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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