Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
