its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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