I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
