just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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