I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
