just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
