Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
