i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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