i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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