my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
