My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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