Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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