So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
