On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
