i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
