Don't you send me to vm
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
