fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
